How do you like this essay? (VCU scholarship essay)?
Subject: 100th page of my autobiography I listened to the lyrics. How quickly the words flew into my ears, prancing through my mind with the grace of a Cumbian dancer. “Siento algo que me mueve. Un ritmo que me hace bailar,†the beautiful voice said to me. I swayed with the crowd, fully understanding the Spanish expressions that rolled through the thick, hazy air. It was hard to believe that I was actually in Colombia, not to mention my most recent months spent traveling across the globe. The heavy smell of gasoline and rain reminded me of Richmond. I stepped out onto the terrace, glimpsing the darkening sky and ogling the palm embellished skyline. I then noticed how casually dressed everyone was, maybe I was at the wrong address. No, there were too many familiar faces here. A few people greeted me with the traditional kiss on the cheek and a quick hello. I couldn’t help but admire how rhythmically the women’s hips moved to the beat. The way the men led in a salsa dance was so powerful yet elegant. I stood along the edge of the festivities, watching the blinking strobe lights transform the shadow of movement into people and back again. Someone in the swarm of bodies snatched my arm, the flashing lights revealing to me a slender, brunette woman. It was just Marcela, a lovely girl from the island of Santa Marta. We had met years ago and she was presently my business associate as well as good friend. She towed me through the pulsing mass of dancers, clumsily shoving a few people along the way. I found myself in the center of the crowd; the lights went out and the music stopped. A tall, mustached man came out carrying what looked like a large package above his head. Once he reached Marcela, the people around me began to chant, “Feliz cumpleaños a ti, feliz cumpleaños a tiâ€. It was the Spanish translation of the Happy Birthday song. “I was supposed to be here on business,†I said laughing. She simply threw her hands up, shrugging her shoulders, as if to say “I don’t know. It wasn’t me.†We were here for our newly founded studio, K.M Photography and Design. Marcela and I had many connections throughout Colombia that were helping our business soar. When we met, Marcela was a transfer student who came from her hometown to study business at Virginia Commonwealth University. I was an optimistic freshman looking to major in graphic design. We happened to be in the same inquiry class. Marcela and I bonded immediately, even with the slight language barrier. “We can take one night off for your birthday, can’t we?†she asked charmingly. The party tonight was supposed to be a formal event concerning K.M, so my attire bore a professional feel that was unnatural in my current setting. I looked down at my stiletto heels, blushing a bit for disregarding my own birthday. “All right, but we have to make sure to send that paperwork to Mr. Rincon by Monday and to return the call from Chrome Imaging about the…†I went on, only to be cut off by Marcela’s reassuring tone. “Korrin, you know that we are weeks ahead on our paperwork and all the orders have been sent for printing. Let’s just enjoy the night!†She had always been so laid back, even hippy-like, which was very uncommon for a business major. That’s probably why we have always worked so well together, our contrasting personalities provided us with a perfect balance. A gigantic cake was presented to me with twenty-eight flickering candles. I shifted towards the towering dessert and closed my eyes, attempting to make a wish. But what else could I possibly ask for? My business was taking off splendidly, my family and friends were healthy, and I’ve never been so happy. Besides, I was much too old for this. So without a wish, I blew out every purple candle, hoping that my future would be as wonderful as my present and past.
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Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
100th page of my autobiography...wow! this really is something. I hope you are majoring in something like English because this is very well written and uber creative! i give it an A+!!
2 :
hi its me the guy who is writing 'Kronus's Revenge-The Vaegon 4",,i understand what you mean now about more description,,cause your essay is really amazing the description and detail is really fantastic,,,in my book the part i gave you is actually like a prologue or intro,,the story is really about a group of 4 who have been chosen by kronuses wife to free cronus from ZEUS,, but my four adventures soon find that so many gods try to use them to do there dirty work and it gets very interesting,,il post more of it to you,,,,, i think the way you describe stuff is what gets me,, its far to good,,,well done and thanks for liking mine as well,, ps how old do you think most good writers are,,,im 16
3 :
Wow, this is incredible. I don't even know what to say. It drew me in from the very beginning, and help my interested throughout the entire thing. It leaves me desperately wanting more; both before and after this part. Excellent job; I don't even have any constructive criticism!
4 :
Yes, well written. There are some transformational grammar issues that while quite technical, could aid you in your final draft. Remember the basic rules: Transformational grammar provides a further set of transformational rules to show that all complex sentences are formed from simple elements. These rules manipulate elements and otherwise rearrange structures to give the surface structures of sentences. Perhaps, you could change the wording: Once he reached Marcela, the people around me began to chant, “â€. It was the Spanish translation of the Happy Birthday song. Your insinuation that the "Happy Birthday Song" is of English origin could be construed as a fact-which it is not. Again, quite technical, nevertheless it should be reconsidered in the final draft. Very well done. Good Luck. s_e_s
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